we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
