I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
