I cannot find my penis.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
