Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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