Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
