New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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