Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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