god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
