i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
