There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
