i was born a porn star she said
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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