There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
