She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
