i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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