We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
