I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
