Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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