haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize