There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
