We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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