The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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