She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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