I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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