saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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