If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
