My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
