I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
