i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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