question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
