I wanna passion pit in your ass
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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