So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
