Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
