Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
