It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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