Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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