She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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