I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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