I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
