yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
