she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
