I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So apparently I’m into choking now
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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