Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
