I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
