Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
