I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
