Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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