On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
