Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
