Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
