i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
