There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
