forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
