I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
