im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
well most of my day revolves around power hour
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
