Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Pants are for mortals
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize