every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
