he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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