drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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