I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
there was a trapeze. enough said
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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