Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
