So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
