i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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